Well, I had to drop the idea of being a facilitator for a new lupus support group that will soon be viable in this part of the country. Some of the members of the yahoo lupus support group had cautioned me when I first told them about this facilitator's position, reminding me that lupus might just sneak up on me and I would have to drop out. Well....
Like many other things, I had to pass on this opportunity to help others with SLE in favor of taking care of ME. I felt like a flare was coming on, and sure enough it has emerged with some signs of vasculitis, along with the inevitable side-kick, fatigue. I didn't have the energy to even think of driving some 30 miles to meet the others for a lunch, and then back home. The traffic in that area of our metroplex is insane to begin with, and add a "loopy lupie" to the mix would not be good for my health.
Not only did I pass on this venture, but I called a friend to cancel on attending a neighborhood meeting.
All the while, feeling like I was letting other people down; not that I'm that important to their schedules, but also I felt like I was being undependable.
That's something I always prided myself on, is being punctual, ready with the right materials I needed for the meeting, and notes for discussion, should there be any time left at the end of the meeting. And I often felt others were depending on any brilliant plans for moving onward, when in reality I'm sure they thought I was just being a busy-body.
That may be true. But I still feel like I abandoned the group; left them to their own devices, so to speak. And, truth be known, they will do just dandy without me.
I'll just keep doing what I'm doing to spread the awarness of this complicated disease: writing on a couple of lupus -themed blogs and marketing my book, The Cards We're Dealt.
I'll miss the face-to-face contact, but I need to do this for my own health's sake. And the group certainly understood my reasons and wished me well.
I'll get over it. This is just another learning lesson: Maybe I shouldn't commit myself to any kind of project when I'm feeling very well that one particular day. Ever the optimist, I was sure I could handle this meeting schedule, the drive involved, and the lack of brain fog at that particular time.
But Lupus whacked me upside the head. So I'm taking the action to take care of myself, and I'll try to remember the next time I feel like getting involved in another project that lupus could sneak up on my blind side again, causing me to once again, drop out on the event.
One of life's lessons that I'm sure will be repeated soon. I'll start feeling better, and find or be offered a project and before I know it, I'll have my hand in the air as a volunteer. And then I'll have to drop out. Again.
That's one of the things I just hate about this disease. Well one day, and down the next, for no apparent reason. I find it difficult to plan anything even a few days in the future, knowing I might not be able to follow through.
I also know I need to cut myself some slack, and not feel that I'm letting others down. Of all people, Lupies certainly understand.
Someone once said "Just accept it. You don't have to like it to accept it."
Oh, okay. I'll accept it.
And I'll also not like it!