Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A New Insight....

I've lived with lupus since my diagnosis in 1988. That's a long time. So you'd think I'd be more aware of the limitations this disease imposes on me, but that's not true, unfortunately.
Every day, I have a new revelation about myself and this disease, as we co-exist. I think every day that I understand what it can do, what it has done, to my body, mind and spirit, and every day, I am proven wrong.
I woke up this morning thinking about my headache. Not uncommon, since I suffer from sinus headaches year round; nothing serious. Then my Magical Mind began its "What if" journey:
"I'm supposed to give a presentation on April 11th. What if I'm not well? What if I can't do it? When should I call and cancel, with regrets?" And on and on.
I struggled from my warm bed, made coffee and got the morning paper from the front yard. I really didn't give my thoughts a second thought, for a while.
And then, as the mind will do on occasion, a thought came to me: "You don't have to make that decision today." Hmmm. Okay.
Then, "And it may not be your decision to make."
Huh? I thought. Then I realized how true that is.
We go through our lives, making plans. Then something like a chronic illness comes in and robs us of our decision-making processes. Many decisions are made for us, by doctors. Don't like it? Well, tough. You have to do what it takes to get better.
And you do get better, for the most part. For some of us, "better" is a relative term, but at least we're mostly out of danger and out of the worst part of the pain.
It's the day-to-day living that trips me up. I can do many of the things I used to do, pre-lupus. Or most of the things, anyway. And some of the things I can no longer do, are due to the fact that I've aged some 20 mumble years since diagnosis. I'm no longer able to sit down on the floor and pop right back up. I can't run any more. Maybe if my life depended on it, but just to get out and jog-- heh. My joints still hurt when pressure is put on them. That's just age, my dears.
So, this morning I was faced with yet another factor lupus patients have to deal with:
Sometimes our decisions are not all ours to make.
Today, I'm okay. Today, I could go do the presentation.
Tomorrow? Well, who knows? I still have good days and bad days. I'm just not going to worry about a possible bad day in the future.

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